“So, you don’t have any kids? You must have so much time to yourself.”
“Oh… you only have the one?”
“Wow, that’s a lot of kids — you must be busy.”
“Two girls, huh? Are you going to try for a tiebreaker?”
I know we all have heard comments like this — maybe they were directed at us; maybe we overheard them said to someone else. Maybe we were the ones saying them. Commenting on someone’s family size can seem very innocent on the surface; in fact, there are times where I’m sure it’s genuinely well-meant. However, I’d like to gently suggest that people refrain from making comments like the above.
READ: The Power of Affirmation: How Three Words From Another Mom Changed Everything
In my personal experience, it can be deeply triggering when a person (however innocently) makes comments like “Oh, you only have the one?” when meeting my daughter. Quite frankly, I don’t always feel like going into my whole spiel regarding my own traumatic birth experience and resulting PTSD… though I’m open about it, it’s still a very emotional thing for me to share. I also have friends who struggle with infertility and/or miscarriages, and comments about why they don’t yet have a child hurt them more than they can imagine. I know quite a few people with large families who get incredibly irritated when people make unwanted comments about how large their family is. And, as someone who has one sister and whose parents were both delighted to have two daughters, I also know firsthand how annoying it can be when people just assume that every couple has a burning “need” to have both a boy and a girl (shout-out to Bluey, the world’s universally adored, most perfect kid show, for being such a breath of fresh air by portraying a family with two SISTERS instead of a more stereotypical brother/sister pairing… when I tell you seeing a show like that healed my inner child… ). Sometimes, it feels like the only way to win the “American dream” argument of family size is to have exactly one boy and one girl (white house and picket fence optional).
As I’ve been reflecting on all of this lately, I’ve come to what I think is a very simple conclusion: no one should feel entitled to make comments about the family size of others. Full stop. Even if it is meant in a well-intentioned way, we don’t know what another person may be struggling with. For example, as someone who suffers from Secondary Tokophobia, a form of PTSD that can result from a traumatic birth, comments expressing surprise that I’m happy with one child can leave me feeling panicked, and very “less-than” as a wife and mother. I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling that, when people make comments about family size, it is (in a way) a form of silent accusation: “How dare your family doesn’t look how I think it should look?”
We are living in unprecedentedly divisive times. We are raising children in a deeply troubling and confusing world, where we (and they) have to deal with the kinds of hard things our own parent’s generation never could have even fathomed. I think that part of growing up and becoming productive members of society (and, by default… raising them) is learning the ability to empathize with others; to recognize that their journey is not our own, and to respect it anyway. Our words have power, and it’s a mark of maturity to think before we speak, even when what we say seems harmless on the surface. Speaking honestly, sharing your opinion (and that’s just what it is, an opinion) on the size of someone’s family is not necessary, and can do so much more harm and cause more hurt than you realize.
So — let’s shake it up. Let’s stop reducing women to the number of children they have (or lack thereof).
The next time you see a woman without kids, mention how gorgeous her smile is if you feel you need to say something at all.
If you see a mom with one child, let her know how lucky her kiddo is to have her undivided attention.
If you see a mom with two (or even three!) girls or boys, tell her how well-behaved they are.
And if you see a mom with lots of kids — just smile at her and tell her “Great Job, Mama.”
Because that’s really it, isn’t it ladies? We are all in the trenches together, and focusing on encouragement rather than judgement; on finding common ground instead of feeling the need to air personal opinions, can cause more healing for a wounded heart than you can ever imagine. So, whatever your family size, whatever you are doing right now, whatever you are fighting against — you are not alone. And guess what? You’re doing great, Mama.
