Oh, Target. Is there anywhere a mom loves more? They have everything there, especially if you’re lucky enough to one with a grocery section in it. You can get whatever you need, all in one trip, in a pleasant environment where you don’t have to worry about seeing someone’s gross wadded up underwear in the parking lot (looking at you, Walmart). And while, sure, it’s a bit pricier than other bargain stores, the quality is better — AND you can get Starbucks, and sip while you shop!
I mean, come on. Target is just perfect. Right?
Well… except, there is that one little problem. It’s the worst-kept secret in all of retail. With some kind of crazy magic, as soon as you walk through those immaculate automatic doors, it’s like the Target bullseye hypnotizes you, and suddenly, your quick stop in to get just milk and some underwear ends up with a full cart stuffed with crap you didn’t know you needed and had no intention of getting. Every time, it’s like, Oh, great. How can I convince my husband that this was all groceries and not random books, an iPad, makeup, and cute Cat and Jack outfits for the kids that I just couldn’t resist?
But you know what, ladies? We are strong, independent women! We can resist the Target bullseye magic. We just need to go in with a plan. We need to STRATEGIZE.
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Step one. Do not, no matter WHAT, get a cart. If you get a cart, you WILL fill it up with the irresistibly soft plush blankets in the home decor section, and some delicious-smelling candles, and the newest Colleen Hoover book, and… well, you get my point. You’ll convince yourself that you need all those things, and I get it. I need like, 15 more fluffy blankets myself. But resist the urge! Maybe try a little weight-lifting before you go, so you can be prepped and ready to go. Carrying boxes of diapers, a gallon of milk, and new shoes for the kiddos? No problem for you!
Step two. Don’t EVER bring the kids with you. Oh, sure, Bullseye’s playground is filled with cheap stuff that’s adorable and tempting for every mom, because how can you spend too much when everything is under $5? But all that cute crap adds up, my friend. And that doesn’t even figure in the toy section, or the kids’ clothes. They’ll be begging for an Our Generation doll, or a new Marvel Lego set, while you’re thinking, “Wow, the weather is getting cooler, they really DO need 15 winter-themed long-sleeved shirts!” and soon enough, the damage is done.
Step three. Avoid doing your holiday shopping at Target. You can buy presents there, no doubt, but honey, step away from the home decor. No, you do not need a four-foot-tall ceramic skeleton that lights up and waves whenever something moves. You already have a bunch of fall leaf garlands — you don’t need some tiny pumpkins and little signs that say “grateful.” You don’t need 15 wreaths with Santa riding in adorably rustic trucks. You. Don’t. Need It. Oh sure, it’s all super cute, and your house will look like it was designed by Joanna Gaines herself. But you’ll also get carried away by all the pretty stuff, all costing less than $20, and it won’t end well.
Step four. Move fast! Stick to your list. No, you do not need to slowly and casually walk through Target like a carefree woman with nothing on her mind. You need to run like Kim Kardashian being chased by a photographer whose camera isn’t preloaded with a filter. Go straight to the aisles with the specific items you need, and go straight to the checkout line. If you go anywhere else, you WILL decide you need to try the new Colourpop x Target makeup line, or that cute jacket from A New Day. Just do what you gotta do, and get out. It probably can’t hurt to run a few warm-up laps around the parking lot before you go inside first.
Step five. Abandon all hope. You can’t resist the Target bullseye magic. Just make sure to get a Starbucks frappe before you leave.
