Dear Husband,
Marriage isn’t always easy, but it started off a lot easier than it is now. I still remember our life together before — before we were married, before we had kids. We were affectionate; I was fun. And sex… well, that happened a lot more often, too. Once upon a time, I actually wanted to have sex all the time.
10 years and a few kids later, things are pretty different. And even though you may not realize it, I hate this, too.
I never want to be touched anymore. I hate it when I’m cooking dinner, or trying to clean up, or get the kids ready, and you come over and try to hug or kiss me. I get so frustrated in the moment, like — can’t you see that I’m busy? Don’t you see that I’m trying to get stuff done? Or when it’s 11:30 at night, I’m exhausted, and that’s the moment you try to get frisky. Did I mention I’m exhausted? Most nights, I don’t even want to talk to anyone, I’m so tired. The last thing I want to do is have sex!
But later, of course, it’s always different.
Later, I feel so guilty. This isn’t the life you signed up for; it’s not what either of us expected. I never thought I would be pushing you away, or have absolutely zero interest in sex at all. Our marriage used to be so much more fun, more affectionate… maybe even happier. But then we had kids. And I love being a mother, but it’s just so hard.
Each day, and every night, I am pulled in a million different directions. I am so needed, by everyone around me, every second of the day. There’s the kids, of course, who are climbing on me, hugging me, demanding things of me, and that doesn’t end until they’re asleep. And then there’s you, who has needs, too. Please understand: your needs are valid. I’m not saying they’re not. But it’s just so hard. I feel suffocated, all the time. I am overstimulated, over-touched, worn out. And I never get a break.
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I can’t focus on my marriage when I never have time for myself, and you know what? It’s not even anyone’s fault. We are in this difficult season of life when what I want, what I feel, takes a backseat. I hate that in some measure, dear husband, that means you do. I hope you know that I miss our closeness, too.
Please know that I have faith in us to last through this tough season of marriage. I know how hard this is for you now, but I beg for you to have patience and understanding. I love you, with all of my heart, and that has not changed. But motherhood has meant I lost so much of myself. Unfortunately, that means you’ve lost part of me, too. This part of our life together is hard, but it won’t last forever. One day, our kids will be older, and we’ll have the chance to find ourselves again — together, just like it started.
Due to the sensitivity of this topic, the author wishes to remain anonymous.
