Have you ever sat down at the dinner table ready for conversations with your spouse/partner about their day, only to find your preschooler interrupting with their own anecdotes and silly sounds? Maybe you have an older child who you’re having trouble reaching after a long day of school and extracurriculars. When you ask about their day, they give a one-word answer or shrug and shut down your attempts.
As a young mom, I can definitely relate to the first scenario. It can be challenging to hold meaningful family conversations in any stage of life. At the dinner table, I would find myself throwing my hands up and saying to my husband, “I’ll just talk to you at bedtime.”
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But – what if I told you that there’s a way to have rich conversations at the dinner table (and beyond), regardless of your child’s age? Pretty enticing, right? It’s not a quick-fix strategy, but rather a life-long habit. We’re all moms and, therefore, I came up with an appropriately themed acronym – VANS. VANS is an acronym you can use with your family to add a meaningful layer of conversation that emphasizes your care for your children and spouse, but it also leaves room to table a talking point until later if needed.
VANS stands for:
- Validate
- Ask Questions
- Normalize
- Support
Let’s dive into each of these by defining them and then learning how to use them in conversation.
Validate means to support and affirm the accuracy of someone’s experience. I work at a social-emotional learning company, and validating by far is the most powerful tool we use when talking to children and teens. Kids want to be truly heard, and a simple way to show them this is through validation. Validating can look like any of the following:
- That sounds really difficult. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that.
- You seem worried (insert any emotion – fearful, angry, upset, etc.)
- I hear what you’re saying. (Yes, even just saying you hear them goes a long way!)
Asking questions is self-explanatory, but it is another important piece to rich conversation. Oftentimes with children and teens, simply providing a statement isn’t enough to propel the conversation. Kids need questions to keep the conversation flowing, especially younger children. Questions can take on many different forms, but some useful questions may look like:
- How long has this been happening?
- I think you feel sad about this. Am I right? (This question helps to avoid assumptions as it allows your child to share their true experience.)
- Have you done anything to try to make it better? (Again, this gives your child a sense of autonomy and reminds them they have the tools to make healthy choices.)
Normalizing can also be helpful depending on the situation. To normalize is to affirm a situation as common part of the human condition. While we certainly don’t want to use this in every instance, it can be helpful for smaller day-to-day issues, such as having trouble sharing with a sibling or receiving a failing grade on a test. Normalizing wouldn’t be appropriate for heavier issues such as grief, severe illness, mental health concerns, etc. (unless you are experiencing the same exact thing*). Examples of normalizing a situation would be:
- The same thing happened to me. I know how you feel. (This allows the child to see someone else has been through the same thing.)
- Most kids would probably feel that way. (This is powerful in that your child can see their same-aged peers would feel similar.)
- I would feel that way too if it had happened to me. (The hypothetical response can be helpful if your child is prone to saying things like, “You wouldn’t understand.”)
Supporting is the final step. This is where you can work together to brainstorm solutions or come up with a plan to make better choices in the future. It’s important to keep in mind that not all problems can be fixed – and that’s more than fine! Sometimes we need to travel through the difficult, messy parts of life in order to mature and strengthen ourselves. Supporting could look like any of the following:
- Is there anything I can do to help?
- I have an idea to make this better. Would you like to hear it? (Asking a question gives your child more agency in the conversation.)
- Would you like to figure this out together? I’m here to help.
***If it’s not a good time to be having the conversation, you can use the steps that best work in the moment and then say something along the lines of “I hear what you’re saying. This is really important, and I think we should talk about it more later when it’s just you and me.” If your child is older, you can schedule a time. If you have a younger child, you can pull them aside later in the day – after dinner, before bedtime, or take them on a short car ride to talk things through.
I truly believe this works at any age! I used these steps with my own son when he was two. There was an uptick in tantrums and potty accidents after his sister had been born. The conversation had been tabled until after dinner when I took him on a special evening walk, just the two of us. On that walk, I was able to validate his negative feelings about sharing mom and dad with a new “roommate”, ask questions about what has been good and difficult about having a sibling, normalize that most big brothers feel the same way about a new baby, and develop some solutions for how to make it better.
VANS has been helpful in creating richer and sweeter connections with my littles, and I hope you will try it to see the impact it can have around your dinner table (and beyond)!
