This Saturday, I (along with the rest of the world) was completely devastated to learn of the tragic passing of Matthew Perry. As a devoted Friends fan, I always thought that Chandler Bing was the greatest character on the show; that Perry’s impeccable comedic timing and flawless delivery was matched only by one of my other favorite comedic actors, David Hyde Pierce (who portrayed Frasier’s long-suffering brother Niles on Frasier, another classic 90’s staple that aired concurrently with Friends). Perhaps some find it odd to mourn the passing of an actor, someone who we never knew on a personal level, but (as I said in my Facebook tribute to Mr. Perry) — here’s the thing about truly great actors: You feel as if you do know them, and know them well.
Could an actor BE any more talented than was the late, great Matthew Perry? I think not.
Mr. Perry’s talent as an actor was certainly not the main reason I admired him, however. I was very inspired by the humility with which he shared his struggles with sobriety with the world. I found the way that he worked to help others become and stay sober so touching; such a testament to the kind of person he was. My heart ached for someone who was suffering so intensely, while working tirelessly to make others laugh — because I, and many who resonated with the character Mr. Perry played on Friends, intimately know what that feels like.
I speak candidly about my intense struggles with Postpartum Depression and Anxiety whenever I can, in the hopes that it will make anyone else suffering in that way feel less alone. I don’t, however, often go into the nitty-gritty details of those first few weeks when the PPD (and especially the PPA) took hold — it’s hard to talk about, even nearly six years later, as the memories and the feelings of that time come back to haunt me so vividly. My daughter was born in January, at the height of not just cold and flu season, but also something called “RSV” that I had never heard of prior to becoming a parent. All of a sudden, I went from only needing to worry about myself, to having a tiny, helpless human to take care of, mostly alone. I was recovering from both a C-section and a resulting postpartum hemorrhage, and I was completely terrified to take my daughter out of the house for fear of all of the diseases I was sure she would be exposed to if I left the safety of our home. My friends and family checked on me when they could, but my husband was working long hours at a startup company at the time — so it was often me and my daughter, alone, in a dark apartment. The only time my ever-worsening anxiety was held at bay was when the TV was on; when I felt less alone. And Matthew Perry was a huge, huge part of that.
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I discovered Friends over a decade after it went off the air, and it quickly became the “comfort food” of shows to me — funny, sweet, nostalgic, and comforting. Matthew Perry’s Chandler Bing was my favorite character; I always thought his lines were the funniest, and his delivery of every single one was unmatched. I remember those long, lonely, terror-filled days of early motherhood being made brighter because of the escape the show provided.
I’ve read that Matthew Perry didn’t want to be remembered most for his role as Chandler; that he wanted to be remembered as someone who helped others fight their demons, even when he was unable to fight his own. He did that in so many ways by championing those who were on a sober journey, being consistently kind, humble, and grateful for what he had been given in life… and, yes, as Chandler. Because, when Mathew Perry became that character, he showed us all what we can capable of: making others smile, despite personal pain.
Giving of ourselves, even when we feel we have nothing left to give.
Loving others more than ourselves.
As mothers… do we not do this every day for our children?
I think that all of us who were touched by Mr. Perry’s talent and who are deeply mourning his loss can say that we received some gift from him — whether it was something serious, like encouragement towards sobriety, or the medicine of a needed smile during dark times. He encouraged us towards stalwart values through the way he lived his life: honesty, integrity, humility, and kindness. May the same be said of me someday; of all of us.
Could there BE any better legacy? Rest in peace, Matthew Perry.
Media outlets have released a statement Perry made in 2022 on how he wanted to be remembered. We have included it here.
“I would like to be remembered as somebody who lived well, loved well, was a seeker. And [my] paramount thing is that [I] want to help people…
“And I created the Perry House in Malibu, a sober-living facility for men. I also wrote my play, The End of Longing, which is a personal message to the world, an exaggerated form of me as a drunk. I had something important to say to people like me, and to people who love people like me.
“When I die, I know people will talk about Friends, Friends, Friends. And I’m glad of that, happy I’ve done some solid work as an actor, as well as given people multiple chances to make fun of my struggles on the world wide web…
“But when I die, as far as my so-called accomplishments go, it would be nice if Friends were listed far behind the things I did to try to help other people. I know it won’t happen, but it would be nice.”
